It’s Monday, the third day of my vacation, and I’m trying like hell not to panic that it feels like it’s moving too fast. I’ve read entire novels, watched the waves for hours, surfed, slept, made some new friends, and in general just enjoyed every moment. The fact that I have nearly a week left to enjoy feels extravagant and at the same time desperately needed.
On Saturday I smashed a toe while surfing; nothing catastrophic, but I’m walking with a slight limp. And like a memory long forgotten, or a dream that leaves behind only snips and snatches after waking, as I strolled the beach with coffee in hand, I thought of another guy who walked with a limp.
The story says Jacob wrestled with God all night, and in order to win, in a baffling move, the creator of the universe had to wrench his hip, while also giving him what he wanted – a blessing. Jacob walked with a limp the rest of his life.
Maybe it’s a reminder of our humanity. The frailty of our human forms that can be damaged in the wrestling or the waves, the rest of the body forced to adjust for that bit that is injured. It’s a reminder that we are really, really nothing, and a slightly bigger wave could just as easily take me out completely. A microscopic virus an shut down the entire world and kill hundreds of thousands. A freak storm or fire can destroy everything we’ve worked our entire lives to build. God, if you believe in a deity, can wrench your hip with a finger or turn you to salt for a glance and the reality is we have so little control over our lives it’s almost laughable. Especially for someone like me, who plans and analyzes and prepares for every possible eventuality I can think of, and then I show up to the training site and there’s no power or water, or my instructor was mugged last night and unable to make it, or I show up to the airport and they’re all grounded because of fog or an act of terror or a global pandemic. Sure didn’t see that coming. And we get to be more flexible and resilient that we ever thought we’d need to be.
I’m engaged in my own wrestling match at the moment, and I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. I wouldn’t say I’m wrestling with God, per se, because if God is real and loving then God would welcome my questions and struggles and doubts; and if not, then I don’t want anything to do with that kind of deity anyway. I would call it a reckoning of belief vs practice; of belonging, or desiring not to belong in what I once called ‘home’, where my eyes now see the loving, welcoming community I once identified as my own to be exclusive, unwelcoming to some, even hateful to others. Even just writing that I feel a piercing in my heart, a regret, a repentance, a longing for the good from that community without losing myself and my love for all humans, for this earth, for world peace and friendship.
But in the end, we’re all just making our way the best we can through this maze of life where we really have very little control of anything. My limp reminds me to respect the power of the waves, the vastness of the sea, the power of the microscopic universe, the longing to make the most of the little I am and have and offer wherever my journey ends up.
I am on my first real vacation since January, time and space without responsibilities or stresses or decisions of any kind. A space unreachable for anything work related, a space for writing, and reading, and surfing, and relaxing only; naturally, I came to the sea.
As I usually am, I was awake this morning just after sunrise, long before the rest of the house began to stir, and like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to the waves.
And this morning’s thought that passed in the wind like a whisper to my soul was Pondering things is okay. Obsessing about them is not.
Word.
It’s a fine line, that one. And because I tend to analyze things to death and aim for perfection, especially my work, I can spend an inordinate amount of time hashing and rehashing, analyzing, criticizing, rewording or pre-scripting every past and potential future interaction until I can’t even remember where I started from. And it definitely crosses the line into obsession.
Because having time and space to consider something without interruption is a wonderful gift. But to use this time to feed the anxiety monster bubbling up in my stomach and obsess about things long over or far in a future I cannot anticipate is actually not good or helpful.
So, on this beautiful day, in this beautiful space, I will give myself permission to ponder and not obsess, trust and not fear, relax into being okay with the unknown and not being prepared for every potential encounter and embrace the gift that is being fully present in the here and now.
I was walking Jay just now, on our regular evening walk around the neighborhood, and as usual I was lost in thought. Reviewing conversations from today, my reactions to various things, thinking about my upcoming getaway for a few days. In general, I consider myself an optimist, so was surprised at myself when I realized everything I was thinking was so terribly pessimistic.
My much-needed getaway is going to go by much too quickly, it won’t be enough before I have to get back to the grind… and catching back up afterwards is going to be hell.
I thought she was my friend, but I guess not.
My new boss is going to be a nightmare.
I’m never going to convince that person that I’m not the enemy.
This virus is never going to get better, and I’m sure will destroy any plans I hope to make for the holidays.
My dog is going to die someday and that is going to be devastating.
I’m going to be alone forever.
I’m failing at everything I’m working on right now.
I’m never going to be as strong as I wish I was.
And on and on and on.
Like I said, I generally feel pretty optimistic and hopeful about life in general, about the future, about how I’m doing and where I’m going, so once I recognized and realized this downward spiral of despair I found myself in, I wondered: What is this?
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What we think and what we feel are not always what is true.
So what is true?
It is true that I am professionally tired. I have been pushing and pulling and convincing and corralling and editing and creating and cheerleading for many months without reprieve, and I need to detach from that for a bit. Will the time away I have planned be enough? I have to trust it will be. Every single time I’ve ever prayed for ten hours of sleep to somehow fit in the four I have available I’ve never been left disappointed. So my prayer for this week is please give me a month of rest in a few days’ time… and trust it will be done.
It’s true that this is a lonely season; meeting new people and interacting with new friends is challenging when navigating a global pandemic, but it will not be forever. It won’t. And in the meantime, I can reach out to friends I haven’t talked to in months or years and reconnect thanks to the wonders of the interwebs and video calls that still leave me in awe at how star-trek-esque they are.
Being real and true to who I am, even if it’s not liked or appreciated by everyone I’ll ever interact with is still the right thing to do. I am here on earth not to be popular or admired or someone else who never upsets anyone, but rather to be someone who loves well while pursuing what I know to be right and good, no matter what the cost may be.
The virus will eventually be history, the election will eventually be over, this b-grade post-apocalyptic movie we have found ourselves living in will one day be that one thing that happened that one time, just like every life-altering event that I’ve ever experienced has. The thing I need to remind myself is to not just waste away life waiting for these things to be over, but rather identify the issues at the core of the desperation, the fear, the anxiety, the despair; because those are things that will still be around, even after whatever event we’re waiting for or dying for is over. They’ll just attach themselves to the new crisis of the day, one we can’t even imagine yet.
So tonight I need to surround myself and fill myself with these things that are true and allow them to settle deep into my despairing heart: I am doing the best I can with what I have and that is really, really good.
In short, it’s kind of like a personality typing mechanism, such as the Meyers-Briggs, or a workplace behavior analysis like DISC – except those tools are meant to look at and predict behaviors. The Enneagram looks at motivations.
You really should check it out. And just one tip – the experts say don’t just take a test and go with what the test says, because the best a test can do is measure behavior, and we are notoriously bad as humans at lying on tests to get the result we think we want or we think is right or good. So sure, take the test, but also read into the different descriptions, and listen to podcasts, and sit with it until you find what is truly you. It’s common to mistype, I did at first. More enneagram resources and podcasts are linked at the end of this post.
SO anyway, as you can tell by the title of this blog post, I’m an enneagram one. And the more I learn about it, the more I see myself, and the more I uncover about what and why I’m me.
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The One is often labeled as a perfectionistic, but I prefer reformer. Idealistic, self-controlled, purposeful, principled, problem-solving, often frustrated when the rest of the world isn’t these things. Boy can I relate. Ones tend to believe there is a right way to do everything and want to make a difference with their lives. Now remember, this is a measure of motivation, not behavior, so you will definitely find ones that are perfectionistic in how they clean their house or fold their towels, while other ones are perfectionistic in how they approach problems at work or expectations they have of others.
One of the hallmarks of a One is the existence of an inner critic. It’s as if there’s an inside voice that is constantly reminding you about your inadequacies, or pointing out your weaknesses, or showing you more problems that need to be solved, or reminding you of that one mistake you made decades ago that (so she says) was about as awful as any heinous crime you can think of in the history of the world
She can be a real nuisance, plain and simple. But also? She is a rule follower, a visionary, willing to do anything it takes to do things well and good and leave the world better than it was before.
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Here’s some ways being a one plays out in my day-to-day life.
In overarching terms or when I can step back and look at the big picture, I know I’m good at my job. But on a day-to-day experiential level, my default assumption is I am failing. According to my inner critic, there’s a right way to do everything and unless I know FOR SURE I’m doing it exactly right (i.e. following the instructions and guidelines and rules perfectly, when they exist), then I assume I’m probably blowing it (i.e. when the instructions/guidelines/rules aren’t clear) and am already anticipating the conversation we’ll have when they (whoever is in charge) point out that I blew it. But I didn’t know. Because if I did, and it’s completion was within my control, it would be done well. And turned in before the deadline.
Another way it’s played out recently is a couple of weeks ago I received some feedback that didn’t feel awesome and also felt completely out of left field. Something I had written could have been interpreted differently to what I intended… something really minor, that was likely forgotten almost immediately in the crazy that is this work and this world, but in the moment I was shocked and devastated, and for days afterwards, (and still today, if I’m honest) I feel absolutely horrible about it. That darn inner critic keeps reminding me of what happened, and also says things like how could you have been so stupid…. Yeah, they definitely regret hiring you. No one will ever be harder on me than I am.
So for example we’re writing and editing a lot of documents at work right now; new SOPs, guidelines, policie,s and forms, etc. I have one colleague, a friend who works in another country, who readily shares her draft documents with everyone else across the continent… which I find super helpful. But also? I’m awed at her bravery. Because I can’t do it. I can’t share when I don’t know for sure I’ve met the (often unclear) expectations of those who are expecting to receive these docs… and unless I know I’ve done it right, I’m sure I’ve done it wrong.
One of the most helpful things about learning about the enneagram was I realized that not everyone has this inner critic berating them like I do. I assumed it was universal, and then was (am?) shocked and frustrated when other people don’t seem to care as much as I do about being on time, meeting deadlines, saying yes to things that are important even though I don’t really have the bandwidth, following the rules of law or basic human goodness, etc. And what do you mean that not everyone wakes up in the middle of the night and analyzes (and feels awful all over again) about that one mistake you made decades ago? and you’re re-scripting and re-scripting and rehearsing what you’d do and say if it ever happened again? Oh, it’s just me? Yeah. It is. And many of my enneagram one friends. But knowing it’s just me, and not the expectations of everyone in the world, often I can tell that inner critic to buzz off.
But the motivation for all these things comes from such a good place – I want so badly to do well in doing good, not for my own benefit but to know that once I get to the end of my time here on earth, I’ll look back and know I’ve done everything I can to leave it better than it was when I came into it. And hear the words, well done.
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I love learning about myself, about the inner workings of human behavior and motivations and logic or lack thereof. Learning about the enneagram, recognizing and understanding the motivations behind my behavior has helped me put into words and explain to others… at the same time I also have a lot more grace for people who tend to run late or don’t care about rules or whatever else that’s very different to me.
I’d love to hear from you! Do you know the enneagram? How does your number play out in your day to day life?
Jen Hatmaker’s For the Love podcast did a series last summer
Annie F Downs That Sounds Fun podcast did a series the last two summers in a row! (It was the 2019 series I fully recognized I was a One and not the type I had mistyped earlier)
Enneagram Institute (linked in first paragraph) – I go back here often when after conversations with others or when I’m wondering where a particular feeling or thought is coming from.
It’s like I get all these words and thoughts and feelings and questions swirling around in my brain and the only thing that calms it is putting it into words. Because by wrangling it all into a form that can be read and understood by others, I also start to understand it for myself… and own it, and wrestle out the things that need to be wrestled out, decide what needs deciding…and move on.
I’ve missed this. I have so many things swirling.
And there’s a rush of pleasure, bringing order to the chaos; pulling the words out of the swirling to make sense on the page, it’s a relief when just the right words fall into just the exact right order to convey perfectly what it is I’m thinking or feeling or longing for or dreaming. I imagine it’s a similar feeling when a painter looks at the completed canvas, when it reflects back to them that thing that was in them that needed to get out. This is my art form.
And I couldn’t possibly care less how many people read it. Maybe I’m just writing for my mom. That’s fine with me. Maybe it’s a writer thing, but if there are words that are in me that need to be in the world, it’s just my job to put them into the world. Whether or not anyone reads them is not up to me. It’s a relief when we can let go of the pressure to control things that are inherently outside of our control.
I wrote at krissyonmercy.blogspot.com for eight wonderful years, some of the best words that have ever come out of my fingertips. I’m so proud of them, of that season, of the challenges I faced and conquered, and of the person I became as a result. But also, the change didn’t stop when the season did. If anything, it’s accelerated. When your life feels defined by the current moment, whether it be your Peace Corps service, the raising of small kids, the art you’re currently devoted to, the work you’re pouring out while living on a ship, or whatever else, it can feel as though that defining thing will always be the defining thing. But then, as it does, the sun rises and the sun sets and the years pass and we move into the next chapter or season or space, and the events that once defined us turn into that one thing that happened that one time, and life continues on.
Let Us Begin has been perking for awhile. That fateful trip to the Kennedy museum was November 18, 2017. I’ve said that I believe there is a book in me to write someday; maybe it’s called Let Us Begin, maybe it isn’t, but when the time is right it’ll happen. In the meantime, I’m excited to have built this new thing that more accurately represents the person I am right now, where I can share wonderings and wanderings and ponderings and anything else that feels right.
So I guess that’s all to say, I feel a push inside of me to engage with my art in a more intentional way, which feels a bit scary and vulnerable and exciting and hopeful, all at the same time. And the words that keep ringing around in my head are exactly this: Let Us Begin. So this is me, beginning this next thing. Thanks for joining me.
Let us begin 