I was walking Jay just now, on our regular evening walk around the neighborhood, and as usual I was lost in thought. Reviewing conversations from today, my reactions to various things, thinking about my upcoming getaway for a few days. In general, I consider myself an optimist, so was surprised at myself when I realized everything I was thinking was so terribly pessimistic.
My much-needed getaway is going to go by much too quickly, it won’t be enough before I have to get back to the grind… and catching back up afterwards is going to be hell.
I thought she was my friend, but I guess not.
My new boss is going to be a nightmare.
I’m never going to convince that person that I’m not the enemy.
This virus is never going to get better, and I’m sure will destroy any plans I hope to make for the holidays.
My dog is going to die someday and that is going to be devastating.
I’m going to be alone forever.
I’m failing at everything I’m working on right now.
I’m never going to be as strong as I wish I was.
And on and on and on.
Like I said, I generally feel pretty optimistic and hopeful about life in general, about the future, about how I’m doing and where I’m going, so once I recognized and realized this downward spiral of despair I found myself in, I wondered: What is this?
~~
What we think and what we feel are not always what is true.
So what is true?
It is true that I am professionally tired. I have been pushing and pulling and convincing and corralling and editing and creating and cheerleading for many months without reprieve, and I need to detach from that for a bit. Will the time away I have planned be enough? I have to trust it will be. Every single time I’ve ever prayed for ten hours of sleep to somehow fit in the four I have available I’ve never been left disappointed. So my prayer for this week is please give me a month of rest in a few days’ time… and trust it will be done.
It’s true that this is a lonely season; meeting new people and interacting with new friends is challenging when navigating a global pandemic, but it will not be forever. It won’t. And in the meantime, I can reach out to friends I haven’t talked to in months or years and reconnect thanks to the wonders of the interwebs and video calls that still leave me in awe at how star-trek-esque they are.
Being real and true to who I am, even if it’s not liked or appreciated by everyone I’ll ever interact with is still the right thing to do. I am here on earth not to be popular or admired or someone else who never upsets anyone, but rather to be someone who loves well while pursuing what I know to be right and good, no matter what the cost may be.
The virus will eventually be history, the election will eventually be over, this b-grade post-apocalyptic movie we have found ourselves living in will one day be that one thing that happened that one time, just like every life-altering event that I’ve ever experienced has. The thing I need to remind myself is to not just waste away life waiting for these things to be over, but rather identify the issues at the core of the desperation, the fear, the anxiety, the despair; because those are things that will still be around, even after whatever event we’re waiting for or dying for is over. They’ll just attach themselves to the new crisis of the day, one we can’t even imagine yet.
So tonight I need to surround myself and fill myself with these things that are true and allow them to settle deep into my despairing heart: I am doing the best I can with what I have and that is really, really good.
And I’m much stronger than I think.
Let us begin 