January 2021 – Let us begin

On Change and Choice

Tropical Cyclone Eloise tore through Mozambique last week and made her way to South Africa, and then like that weird colleague who can’t ever recognize social cues she has refused to leave and instead has decided to park her remains right over Gauteng Province, providing excessive rain for a week now and for as far as the weather forecasting apps can project into the future.

Last Saturday was an idyllic summer day – hot, around 93f, and a couple of friends and I lounged on floating chairs in my pool and drank champagne because I’ve decided in 2021 I’m not saving champagne for only special occasions. We talked about this and that and all expressed our gratitude for the lives we lead, that our regular Saturday is the stuff of dreams for millions and billions of people, not without it’s costs, of course, but truly an embarrassment of riches.

Now I’m wrapped up in my nana’s cosy winter robe complete with snowflakes on the sleeves and slippers on my feet, as if it’s the middle of July in the far southern hemisphere and not the middle of the hottest season. My pool is so full it resembles an infinity pool and my plants are so happy it’s like I can see them reaching out to the heavens in gratitude. Or maybe that’s desperation to keep from drowning, I’m not sure.

And I’m just thinking about how drastically things change, like 93 and sunny one day to 60 and rainy the next… like a life filled with social gatherings turned to life in almost total isolation in a matter of days… like when one decision can change the entire course of the relationship, or the situation, or the future, in the blink of an eye… and somehow, we, as humans, are the only piece of creation that has the option to choose how we react to these changes in our environment and our lives. In that space between stimulus and response, we get to choose.

It’s not always easy to choose gratitude, or hope; to bite our tongue when lashing out feels like the right choice, or letting anger or bitterness or hurt or betrayal direct our next steps or words or actions or beliefs. It’s not always easy to get out of bed and go for a run or lift those heavy things or move our bodies even though we absolutely know that it’s the best thing for our mental, physical, and emotional selves and everyone else we interact with afterwards. The cost of this idyllic life is spaces of desperate loneliness, lack of motivation, and the creeping vines of depression always trying to find a place to lodge themselves and take hold.

I’m not saying everything needs to be sunshine and roses and all it takes to turn things around is to think positive and we always have a choice. Not at all. There are so many different bits and pieces and phenomena at play, including physiological and environmental that may or may not allow us to actually choose our response. But in those situations we still do have a choice – to change our circumstances. Or just be okay with the feels sometimes, because we’re human and that just comes with the species.

I knew January would be tough. I came back from an absolutely magical vacation to quarantine, lockdown, and isolation, along with the daily grind of work during covid and nothing at all exciting on the calendar for 2021. It took me weeks to get back on my regular sleep schedule and over jet-lag and I had some nagging pain in my back from sleeping on airplanes and hauling a heavy backpack through airports. Shortly after I got back there was an insurrection in my homeland and covid cases were skyrocketing and my new boss was delayed in arriving and it felt as though absolutely nothing was going the way I had hoped, dreamed, anticipated, desired… and I felt guilty about it all. I should have come back refreshed and renewed and I felt all the guilt and shame associated with the fact that it was harder than it should have been.

But the reality is sometimes things are just hard and at one point I just decided to give myself until the end of January to get it together. January could be a buffer month between the train wreck of 2020 and the long unknown of 2021, where I would be okay with the feels but also do things, too, so that by the beginning of February I’d be back to a functional level of okay-ness and not losing all of 2021 into the pit of despair. And I decided that if I wasn’t okay or wasn’t able to look at 2021 with hope instead of despair by the beginning of Feb, I’d get professional help.

And then I got out of quarantine and started to see people. Friends, people who bring me life and joy and laughter (in the safest way we can). I went jogging with Jay, little by little, and started a new workout program. I cleaned the junk out of my fridge and pantry and got back on the food bandwagon that I know helps me feel better, both physically and emotionally. I got back on the sleep schedule that I like best and committed to reading more and scrolling less. I did some things I’d put off for awhile and did some other things that I needed to do and both of those things remind me that I really am capable and strong and good and all the things the pit of despair says I’m not.

And here we are, at the beginning of February, and I can honestly say I’m looking at 2021 with hope, and it feels so, so good.

Now it’s Sunday night, I started writing this yesterday morning. It’s still raining out, but I managed to have a good weekend, with the perfect combination of movement and rest and productivity and relaxation. I feel ready for the week ahead and looking forward to what it may bring instead of dreading it, which, for me, is one of the indicators of health in my day-to-day life. Another is preparing/eating well-rounded meals that take longer than five minutes and more than one dish to prepare. I know I’m not in a good place when all I can manage for multiple days in a row is peanut butter toast.

So as I’m finishing up my really delicious taco salad and close out my evening with a quick walk between the raindrops with Jay, I will say welcome, February, and welcome, the rest of 2021. Lets go.

Forty.

I remember when my mom turned forty. We celebrated her summer birthday at the lake, as usual, and I wrote on her card “lordy flordy look who’s forty”. I remember reading it in a magazine one time and finding it funny, but not truly understanding what it meant or what the world believes (or tries to make you believe) about a fortieth birthday. I was nine years old. I do remember thinking forty seemed ancient, as anything over twelve seems to feel to a nine-year-old.

Well, here I am.

I think I’m supposed to feel terrible, or depressed, or old. This is the line where single women become spinsters or old maids; this is where I’m supposed to question all my life choices and regrets and have a mid-life crisis.

But the thing is I don’t feel any of those things. Well, I do feel a little bit sad, but that’s because COVID crazy has limited my ability to throw a smashing party for myself. The reality is I’ve never been one to do what society expects, and I’ve set up a life that looks different and feels awesome. The older I get the more fun it is – because the older I get the less I feel constrained by what others think of me or what I ‘should’ do or look like or feel, and the more I embrace me for me.

So bring it on, forty.

And get it together, 2021, so I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming!

Wishing I could be back on the wide open beaches again soon….

Bookends.

So 2020 was a #trainwreckdumpsterfire for the vast majority of us, with lockdowns, cancelled plans, loneliness, fear, grief, illness, and the myriad of other experiences wrapped up in the global pandemic. If I never hear the word unprecedented ever again I’ll be happy. However, as I look back on 2020 I must say, it had some really great bookends.

In January 2020 some of my family came to visit, and it was the first time I’ve gotten to meet someone at the airport, instead of the other way around. It was such a wonderful time, going on safari and to the beach, and it’s a special thing when someone else can finally understand what my life is really like instead of just hearing stories. I’m generally the one who does the traveling, which I love, but South Africa is a special place and it was an incredibly special experience to have them here. We are all hoping we can do it again before it’s time for me to leave this country!

My sister Karin’s family visited South Africa in January, along with my mom.

And then on the other side, I spent most of December in Costa Rica! I think the awful-ness of most of 2020 made it feel all the more special. I’ve been there before but this time stayed in different places, and it was just as magical as I remember; actually, even more so because I got to share it with a friend who hadn’t been there before, instead of exploring alone.

We surfed, swam, wandered, ziplined, explored hot springs, a coffee plantation, the rainforest, rappelled down waterfalls, saw sloths and macaws and toucans and other amazing creatures, and in general squeezed every drop of goodness possible out of every single moment. It was magical.

Ziplining and rappelling near Manuel Antonio was particularly epic. I’m about to release my lines to drop into the pool below.

Just a note on travel – we spent extra money, and worked incredibly hard to be able to stay safe and healthy, and it was worth it. I recognize my incredible privilege that made it possible. I tested (twice) before leaving SA; we both quarantined before and after, we were incredibly careful while there, and tested again to make sure. We spent extra$ to fly delta as they are the only airline still blocking middle seats and consistently getting the best ‘grades’ when it comes to passenger safety. Costa Rica was an ideal location, as everything is already outside – all the restaurants, activities, beaches, etc. and the people there were very good about masking, hand washing stations everywhere, hand sanitizer, and staying spread apart. It was really wonderful and we both made it through without getting sick. I absolutely DON’T recommend traveling right now, but if you’re going to do it, do it in the most safe way possible, and it is possible.