On being a One.

Have you ever heard of the Enneagram?  If not, go ahead and check out the Enneagram Institute,  or Integrative Enneagram. 

In short, it’s kind of like a personality typing mechanism, such as the Meyers-Briggs,  or a workplace behavior analysis like DISC – except those tools are meant to look at and predict behaviors.  The Enneagram looks at motivations.

You really should check it out. And just one tip – the experts say don’t just take a test and go with what the test says, because the best a test can do is measure behavior, and we are notoriously bad as humans at lying on tests to get the result we think we want or we think is right or good. So sure, take the test, but also read into the different descriptions, and listen to podcasts, and sit with it until you find what is truly you.  It’s common to mistype, I did at first.  More enneagram resources and podcasts are linked at the end of this post.

SO anyway, as you can tell by the title of this blog post, I’m an enneagram one.  And the more I learn about it, the more I see myself, and the more I uncover about what and why I’m me.

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The One is often labeled as a perfectionistic, but I prefer reformer. Idealistic, self-controlled, purposeful, principled, problem-solving, often frustrated when the rest of the world isn’t these things. Boy can I relate.  Ones tend to believe there is a right way to do everything and want to make a difference with their lives. Now remember, this is a measure of motivation, not behavior, so you will definitely find ones that are perfectionistic in how they clean their house or fold their towels, while other ones are perfectionistic in how they approach problems at work or expectations they have of others. 

One of the hallmarks of a One is the existence of an inner critic. It’s as if there’s an inside voice that is constantly reminding you about your inadequacies, or pointing out your weaknesses, or showing you more problems that need to be solved, or reminding you of that one mistake you made decades ago that (so she says) was about as awful as any heinous crime you can think of in the history of the world

She can be a real nuisance, plain and simple.  But also? She is a rule follower, a visionary, willing to do anything it takes to do things well and good and leave the world better than it was before.

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Here’s some ways being a one plays out in my day-to-day life.

In overarching terms or when I can step back and look at the big picture, I know I’m good at my job.  But on a day-to-day experiential level, my default assumption is I am failing.  According to my inner critic, there’s a right way to do everything and unless I know FOR SURE I’m doing it exactly right (i.e. following the instructions and guidelines and rules perfectly, when they exist), then I assume I’m probably blowing it (i.e. when the instructions/guidelines/rules aren’t clear) and am already anticipating the conversation we’ll have when they (whoever is in charge) point out that I blew it.  But I didn’t know.  Because if I did, and it’s completion was within my control, it would be done well.  And turned in before the deadline.

Another way it’s played out recently is a couple of weeks ago I received some feedback that didn’t feel awesome and also felt completely out of left field.  Something I had written could have been interpreted differently to what I intended… something really minor, that was likely forgotten almost immediately in the crazy that is this work and this world, but in the moment I was shocked and devastated, and for days afterwards, (and still today, if I’m honest) I feel absolutely horrible about it. That darn inner critic keeps reminding me of what happened, and also says things like how could you have been so stupid…. Yeah, they definitely regret hiring you.  No one will ever be harder on me than I am.

So for example we’re writing and editing a lot of documents at work right now; new SOPs, guidelines, policie,s and forms, etc.  I have one colleague,  a friend who works in another country, who readily shares her draft documents with everyone else across the continent… which I find super helpful. But also? I’m awed at her bravery.  Because I can’t do it.  I can’t share when I don’t know for sure I’ve met the (often unclear) expectations of those who are expecting to receive these docs… and unless I know I’ve done it right, I’m sure I’ve done it wrong.

One of the most helpful things about learning about the enneagram was I realized that not everyone has this inner critic berating them like I do. I assumed it was universal, and then was (am?) shocked and frustrated when other people don’t seem to care as much as I do about being on time, meeting deadlines, saying yes to things that are important even though I don’t really have the bandwidth, following the rules of law or basic human goodness, etc.  And what do you mean that not everyone wakes up in the middle of the night and analyzes (and feels awful all over again) about that one mistake you made decades ago? and you’re re-scripting and re-scripting and rehearsing what you’d do and say if it ever happened again? Oh, it’s just me?  Yeah. It is. And many of my enneagram one friends.  But knowing it’s just me, and not the expectations of everyone in the world, often I can tell that inner critic to buzz off.

But the motivation for all these things comes from such a good place – I want so badly to do well in doing good, not for my own benefit but to know that once I get to the end of my time here on earth, I’ll look back and know I’ve done everything I can to leave it better than it was when I came into it.  And hear the words, well done.

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I love learning about myself, about the inner workings of human behavior and motivations and logic or lack thereof.  Learning about the enneagram, recognizing and understanding the motivations behind my behavior has helped me put into words and explain to others… at the same time I also have a lot more grace for people who tend to run late or don’t care about rules or whatever else that’s very different to me. 

I’d love to hear from you! Do you know the enneagram? How does your number play out in your day to day life?

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Some of my fave resources:

The Road Back to You (please support local/independent bookstores if possible!)

Jen Hatmaker’s For the Love podcast did a series last summer

Annie F Downs That Sounds Fun podcast did a series the last two summers in a row! (It was the 2019 series I fully recognized I was a One and not the type I had mistyped earlier)

Enneagram Institute (linked in first paragraph) – I go back here often when after conversations with others or when I’m wondering where a particular feeling or thought is coming from.

What are your favorite resources?